I got laid off last year 8/18/25 and then had the most fucked up weird year of my life. "Fucked up" not because it was all bad but because the good was right there on the cusp and then slipped away. The dreams you didn't know you had until you wake up - locked away from them permanently. Conversly, I do often have recurring dreams, dreams that come back. Eyes closed picking the locks to the doors I've lost the keys to, stealing another glance. I smoke too much weed, but the dreams I do remember usually have unreal interior spaces. Recurring dreams of interior spaces that don't work geometrically and don't exist anyways. Always with an emphasis on fear of the impossible parts. Crawling on hands and knees through airvent-sized hallways, climbing ladders to the upper levels so high you can't see the ground anymore, only tenuously moving upward. No end goal in mind, no destination ever found.

I started working again doing 1099 work about 2 weeks ago, contracted as-needed, remote. It's kinda nice not being full time actually, so I can ease back into it after a year of unemployment. Watching Seinfeld last night, George and Steinbrenner are eating eggplant calzones in Steinbrenner's office day after day. A wave of heavy depression set in thinking about that life. Work, 9-5, your life in an office... Your life at work. Your life... Jeff Bezos thinks that a woman from queens making $60k a year shouldn't be subsidizing the government with her taxes. I know he's right even if he's trying to shift the conversation from his own absent tax burden. Why do we kick money up to them at all? I had to pay taxes on my unemployment income.

I'd like to change but ya know I've been like this a long time now. I don't want last year to happen again but I can't promise I won't follow in my own footsteps. I've walked so I can run. No one wants to work anymore and neither do I, even if it's on myself apparently.